Well… this is awkward.

I burned out.

I was going strong as of my last post, but gradually pressures built. My posts stopped, but I managed to keep most of my workout intact, and I finished my push ups and sit ups. I also finished my random acts of kindness, kata, and sparring. Then as soon as my work term ended and preparing for Christmas began I stopped all of it. I wasn’t at karate enough, and instead of spending my time fighting sparring partners, I spent much of it fighting with my girlfriend. I became completely undisciplined, and convinced myself I was just taking a breather. I wasn’t.

It’s not something foreign to me, and it’s not the first time it’s happened. It is however a weakness in myself that I must do everything to correct, even more so than a weakness in form or a failing in my technique. I have too long neglected the mental aspect of my training, and this is evident in how poorly I kept up with my meditation. Perhaps had I continued, I wouldn’t have lost my motivation, but, alas, I did.

I have since found it again.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish my grading, as the way I’ve acted is not at all the way a blackbelt should act. I have, however, decided that I will complete the requirements to the best of my abilities, because that’s what I should have been doing all along. I’ve since completed my jogging, and I’m meditating between 1 and 2 hours a day to make up for my lack thereof before. I interviewed a Captain of a Waterloo fire station as my living hero, and I’m back on the weblog. I considered writing more entries to make up for my absence, but I’ve decided against it. It’s not really a retroactive thing. I still have to write my essay, prepare my video for Hyper, and begin creating a Nunchaku kata, all before this Saturday which is the last day for me to do my grading before the graduation, which I also procrastinated planning and am now managing to pull together.

I regret what I feel to be a failing on my part, however I will not dwell on it. I have much work left to do, and what I’m beginning to learn as I meditate is that much of my own suffering has been caused by clouding my mind with worries about the past and future, when all I should be focused on is the present. I will complete my grading if it is at all possible and I will pull this graduation together.

That’s all for today.